In sports, moms have a different set of rules
The Virginian-Pilot
© October 10, 2006
Last updated: 10:45 PM
SLAUGHTER would have been a good word.
Crushed. Decimated.
Those verbs would have described the beating Sam's start-up football team was taking from the league champs.
I was wondering whether I had enough ice in my freezer for all his bruises when I overheard another team mom say, "I'm getting mad. We're a small team. And they aren't playing my son!"
This was the third time that quarter the lady in the red shorts said the same thing.
When the other team scored again, the lady in the red shorts lost it.
"That's it. I'm going over there," she told her friend. I saw her friend put out a hand then tuck it away. I wondered how many other moms were watching in empathy as the lady in the red shorts stormed down the concrete bleachers. She marched around the track in her red shorts, the balls of her sneakers making little round marks in the dirt. The instant she made it over to the team side of the field was the exact moment her kid went in - and promptly came back out of the game. She snatched him. He protested. She dragged him.
The whole operation took less than 20 seconds. The coaches never noticed.
My husband did. Only because I kept nudging him. "That's such a mom thing to do," Brad said.
Yeah, and what's wrong with that? What's wrong with a 'mom thing to do'? Are we supposed to stand by and let our kids get eaten up by sports? Then again, what kind of message does it send to take your kid off the field in the middle of the game?
I tell you, the whole thing stumped me. So I called Momsteam.com editor-in- chief Brooke de Lench. Her new book, "Home Team Advantage: The Critical Role of Mothers in Youth Sports," (HarperCollins, $14.95) is dedicated to making youth sports safer, saner, less stressful and more inclusive.
When I told her about the lady in red shorts, she recognized the woman's frustration without endorsing her behavior.
"Mothers do get like mama bears. We really do get very protective of our children."
That isn't a bad thing. In fact, that natural protectiveness is exactly what De Lench thinks we need to balance out that overwhelming drive to win that boils in the stands.
"When it comes to youth sports, moms tend to concentrate on 'youth,' dads on 'sports.' "
That's exactly the difference between Brad and me. He sees youth sports as something our kids do as part of growing up. They will succeed and fail by the rules of the sport and their own gifts and the effort they put into it.
When I look at youth sports, I see our children faced with frustration and joy and disappointment and self-reproach over what ought to be just a game.
De Lench says the difference lies in how men and women are hard-wired. The only problem with that difference is that by overfocusing on the "sports" part of the equation, we have sacrificed something of the "youth."
"We are eliminating whole groups of potential athletes, forcing kids out of sports by the time they are 12 and 13 if they aren't stars. Mothers must reclaim their role as natural guardians of children at play."
Children. At. Play. Hallelujah, sister.
I was with De Lench on that one, every minute she was talking. But when I hung up, I thought of how protecting our children's feelings led to policies like making sure every kid gets a trophy for every sport. And providing bigger and bigger snacks after the game.
If we "mom" something too much, it becomes every bit as bizarre as coaches who scream and spit at kids in fourth grade.
But that isn't the quality De Lench is talking about at all. She is trying to show that women bring true balance to sports by focusing on the athlete more than on the win.
Her view has a much longer range than this game and this season. At the very next game, I looked for that mom in the red shorts to tell her about this book. To ask her if she was as frustrated with the whole thing as I am. She wasn't there. The kid was there, in his black jersey, but the mom wasn't. She wasn't there the next week, either.
I just hope she comes back soon.
• Reach Jacey Eckhart at jacey1@earthlink.net.
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